lately, my sister has taken the tumblr challenge in which she names someone, anyone, she would like to meet. it has got me thinking about who would make my “elite list” of who i’d like to spend a whole 24 hours with… while many made this list, lauryn hill, jeff steinberg and many others, there is one person, who would be my number one choice: my deceased grandmother.

although i had spent the first 11 years of my life with my lola espie, i feel as though i never truly knew her. in fact, it wasn’t until her death that i discovered her real name was “esperanza”. i don’t like to admit it but that’s the truth. when they closed her casket so that i would never be able to see or touch her again, that is when the realization hit me: that this woman, who i frequently shared breakfast meals with after catechism, who warned me with every door i opened not to “epet” myself with the handle, was practically a stranger to me. she was someone i wish i had the fortune to REALLY know. i cannot blame such a regret on age, or my nativity… it was all done out of selfishness. she has a lifetime of stories filled in her, so much to say, so much to offer. i wish i could relive those moments. the times when we’d sit in utter silence, munching on burnt croissants in the morning, those were practically wasted opportunities. sure the silence still bonded us, but if i knew time was of the essence, i would have changed that or made SOME kind of conversation. the times when she would lecture over and over again about my studies and school work as my top priority. why had i not tried to avert the subject to something fresh, something new? the times when she would struggle to get up, but i was busy doing something unimportant to really take any notice.

if only just once.. i wish that i could. i wish lola was still here, that she could see who i’ve become. i wish i could see her smile, hear her little laugh. i want to touch the hands of an angel again.

altough she is gone, she is still very much a part of my life. i think about her 7 days a week. she crosses my mind every time i hold a crochet hook. i think of her sitting right next to me as i eat my daily breakfast…

i don’t know what happens after death. perhaps heaven exists, and the flames of hell consume the great sinners of the earth. maybe, the body decays and stays as that “just” a breathless body. whatever does become of someone, somehow i know that my lola is okay. that is as much as anyone could ever wish for.

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